Suicide, how and why ...
It's everywhere in
the news: teens commit suicide more often than before. Let me help them with
deciding how, why, and when they should commit suicide.
First of al: ways to commit suicide and rated by Maddox:
- Eat a bathtub full of beans:
Manliness:
8 Style: 4 Awesomeness: 8 Mess: 5
- NEED: bathtub + a whole lot of beans
- WAY: eat until you explode
- Strangle yourself:
Manliness: 9 Style: 4 Awesomeness: 4 Mess: 0
- NEED: hands + manliness
- WAY: put hands arround neck
-Hold your breath:
Manliness: 9 Style: 3 Awesomeness: 8 Mess: 0
- NEED: manliness
- WAY: hold your breath until you die
-Razor blade:
Manliness: 5 Style: 2 Awesomeness: 8 Mess: 7
- NEED: one razor
blade + neck (for extra mess)
- WAY: cut your troath
-Headbutt the sidewalk:
Manliness: 10 Style: 3 Awesomeness: 10 Mess: 4
- NEED: sidewalk
- WAY: smash you head against the sidewalk
You can also jump out the window
of your appartment on the 5th floor, try to hit the street right in front of
a car, and get run over by it. This is really effecient.
Ever tried to strangle yourself with an electric cord? Go ahead, but you have
to really tighten the cord, so you won't fail and just puke all over the floor
and STILL survive.
There are so many ways to kill yourself, and I am the master of coming up with
ways to do it. Of course you are free to make up your own mind how to do it.
But if you have an unique way, mail it to me before you commit suicide. Even
your death can be usefull to many others.
"But why should I commit suicide?", you might ask. You can do this because of many reasons. It might be because you didn't graduate, and your parents are about to kill you for it. You better do it yourself, you can make it more horrible as you want. Or you might have lost the love of your life, she doesn't know what she was for you. This is the ideal way to show her, right? Except it will be too late then, but who cares? You won't, you'll be dead so ... Maybe you've run out of toiletpaper, that's a bitch: kill yourself. No more money? Easy: rob a bank, you probably get caught, but before they can arrest you, shoot yourself! In the best case you succesfully rob the bank, get away with the money, and have a great life in Hawaii with hookers, drugs, and lot's of booze. You might even get the car of your dreams for all I know. Oh my god, you lost your weddingring, you wouldn't you better kill yourself before your wife does? When you're aging you would probably start losing hair, this can't be ... One solution: suicide. Your favorite bar closed down. "Where do I have to go drinking my problems away, where do I have to get drunk?" Other bars just aren't the same, I know. Just end your life, this is one of the best reasons I can come up with.
Now I'll give you only one
reason NOT to kill yourself, and even be useful to the world.
When you have HIV (AIDS and so on), you can be useful to the world. Just get
everyone (except me) sick. There are to much idiots on this planet (and on other
planets too) and you can help me get rid of them.
In 2002 I started a little comic called 'Hager', a parody on Hagar The Terrible. But my character always tried to commit suicide, but failed. So I'll put some of those comics online, and try not to blow your suicide like Hager.
(c) 2002 EWF Productions & Gothrix
So, now you see why and how you should commit suicide. Remember kids, not across the street, not down the highway, but across the jugular.
(started 04-10-05)
(last updated 04-10-05)
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